Popular movies drive up demand for high maintenance televisions leading to a constant rise and fall of television numbers throughout the year.
Due to relaxed restrictions on television breeding, populations of high-definition televisions have been rising all over the country, and it’s affecting our local Best Buy. Either unable or unwilling to control their televisions, the Hilltop Best Buy has seen an explosion in LCDs and OLEDS clogging the aisles and inconveniencing patrons. “This is a nightmare! I can barely find the gaming aisle!” That was VR gamer Randal Tuesday, frustrated that he could barely fit through the aisles. “I’m 350 pounds,” stated Tuesday from his motorized scooter. “I’m just trying to upgrade my Oculus Rift and I can’t even barely get through the building.”
While scrutiny has been placed on animal breeding, technology breeding has gone largely under the radar in recent years. Apple has had to reign in its iPhone breeding program greatly as demand has dropped. “It’s sad really,” stated an Apple spokesman in an interview with Redding Jefferson, “seeing all the lonely iPhones in shelters, no one wanting them, knowing they’ll just be put down. Anyone who would breed technology in this day and age is a monster.”
Sure, they look cute now, but they may become violent if provoked. Take care around any television you see in the wild.
With facilities to handle their iPhone population, Apple is in better shape than the Redding Best Buy which simply isn’t equipped to handle a problem of this scope. Best Buy has had to bring in outside help to thin the herd. Technology hunter and local curmudgeon Terrence McCanders arrived before dawn this morning with a semi-automatic grenade-tipped AR-15 hunting rifle to bring the population back down to normal. “It’s a question of predation,” whispered McCanders from his elevated lookout in the appliance section. “Without any natural predators, televisions are just running amuck. Now quiet down: I think I hear a flat screen in the brush.”
Citizens of Redding are reminded to keep an eye out for any roaming televisions and to report any aggressive behavior from unregistered screens. Never approach any unknown television in the wild as even the most domesticated television may revert to its natural instincts if left alone long enough.
And please: spay and neuter your televisions.