Upon discovering the bleached bones of yet another swimmer, the Anderson / Cottonwood Irrigation District is once again telling everyone to stay out of the A.C.I.D. Canal. “Every day we get questions,” states A.C.I.D. Canal Representative Marvin Feinberg, “like why do people try to swim in acid and why do we have free flowing acid running from Redding to Cottonwood. Some questions can’t be answered. All we can do is tell people to stay out!” Indeed, this has been an ongoing problem as many people who see the signs simply ignore the clear and concise warning. An exasperated Feinberg threw up his hands exclaiming, “We put it in the name! How much clearer can we be?”
Seeking answers to these questions, Redding Jefferson sat down with local historian Orville Bumpass to try to determine the reason for a canal with flowing acid. “It’s quite simple, really. When one area has acid another area needs, the easiest and most efficient way to transport it is by canal. Why if you want to get your acid from point A to point B, I can’t think of a better way to do it.” Seeking an answer to the second question, Redding Jefferson contacted human behavior specialist and local curmudgeon Terrence McCanders who said simply, “Because people are flabby bags of stupid with dumbass filling!”
The identity of the dissolved citizen is being withheld until Burt Key’s immediate family can be notified.