Redding could be in for trouble. With Christmas falling on a Tuesday this year, sugar forecasters are predicting the annual sugar crash, placing the sluggish, irritable sleepiness on Friday afternoon.
“This is a worst case scenario,” reports Miles Cathargio, sugar analyst for the greater Shasta County area. “Between the massive consumption of sugar on Monday and Tuesday and the sheer number of leftovers plaguing office kitchens, we already had a problem on our hands. Throw in the four day weekend of drinking and a pre-weekend commute: we’ve got a perfect storm forming over Highway 44 and we are not ready.”
Some Reddingites are optimistic. One resident we spoke to suggested restraint and moderation over the holiday season, before bursting into hysterical laughter. “I crack myself up some times,” she added.
Other Reddingites are less certain things will turn out well. Reporting from a heavily armed bunker, militiaman and local curmudgeon Terrence McCanders shouted, “They may take our legs, they may take our ability to metabolize sugar, but they’ll never take our Snickerdoodles!”