A Cold Day in Del

As hours piled on and Redding citizens took sides in a burdgeoning conflict between those who prepare the food and those who were waiting to eat, it became increasingly clear: never come between a Reddingite and his fast food.

“There ain’t nothin fast about this food!” shouted freedom fighter and local curmudgeon Terrence McCanders. “We been waiting here for hours and we’re not moving a muscle until we get our mother-humping tacos!” An increasingly hangry crowd of torch-wielding patrons shouted in agreement while a disinterested millennial behind the counter asked them to be patient and wait for their food. Reportedly a conflict negotiator was dispatched in the first hour of the incident, but as of this publication he appears to still be waiting in line at Chipotle.

Redding Jefferson has little new to report while the conflict enters its fifth hour as our reporters had to flee to a safe distance, though a livestream did capture a recent moment. We caution however the description of the following events may not be appropriate for young readers: “Hunker down, fellow warriors,” shouted McCanders as he stripped off his shirt, “grease your pecs, and don your leather battle panties, for no matter how long it takes, mark my words: tonight we dine in Del!”