Exorcist Called to Remove Ghost of Kmart

Strange things have been happening at the 99¢ Only Store since the Kmart closed down. “We keep hearing ‘Blue light special’ as a strange apparition tries to mark our products down.” Indeed, as he said those words reporter Chip Smiley was bathed in a blue light and a disembodied voice offered him a sizable discount on circus peanuts. “We’re already ninety-nine cents,” shouted the store manager, “we can’t go any lower!”

The store manager has had to call in the expertise of exorcist and local curmudgeon Terrence McCanders who stormed up and down the aisles yelling, “Tarnations, get on outta here Kmart! We got us a Walmart, we got us a Target, we even got us a Shopko for some reason, we don’t need you no more!”

Similar supernatural activity has been reported at a mattress retailer at Churn Creek and Dana in a building formerly owned by Blockbuster. “Terrence McCanders was fabulous,” the manager reported. “He brow-beat that poltergeist saying it should’ve bought Netflix when it had the chance. I think the ghost was crying by the end. Haven’t heard a thing since.”

Meanwhile back at the 99¢ Only Store the ghost of Kmart is just as active despite not having a shared wall with the former retailer. “We thought having a Ross between us would protect us from supernatural activities,” one employee told us, “but I guess the ghost got bored at Ross and came here. Best as we could tell, the ghost was throwing merchandise around in the Ross and leaving the place generally disheveled. But it’s Ross, so no one noticed.”