Hostage Negotiator Sent to Help Trapped Redding Man

Local cat owner Marvin Tannenbaum has been unable to leave his home since Tuesday, and Redding authorities have begun negotiations with the cat currently perched on his lap. “I’ve tried asking her to leave,” he told Redding Jefferson with tears in his eyes, “I’ve tried begging. It hasn’t worked.”

Speaking through a bullhorn, Hostage Negotiator Tripp Korn said, “You are in complete control of the situation. If you leave Tannenbaum’s lap now, we will give you tuna. I repeat, we are prepared to deploy tuna.” Reportedly, the cat ignored the request and went back to sleep.

“I can’t feel my legs,” Tannenbaum told us. “I can barely stay upright. And I don’t even want to talk about where I’ve been going…you know…”

At a press event to discuss options to release Tannenbaum from his feline captor, sharpshooter and local curmudgeon Terrence McCanders promised to shoot and gut the cat for a price after silencing the group by scratching his nails on a chalkboard. His offer promptly declined, he was asked to take his chalkboard and go home.

Meanwhile, Marvin Tannenbaum has few options. “I’ve lost my job, I missed my wedding, and this cat, she sleeps twelve to sixteen hours a day. I don’t know what to do!” Redding Jefferson, indeed all of Redding, wishes him the best in these trying times.

The cat was herself unavailable for comment, but her representative on the condition of anonymity released a growl, a series of barks, and quiet muffled fart.